Inspiration

For many couples the idea of celebrating difference is an alien concept. Most individuals seem to think that they should be able to change their partner into the person they want them to be and get disillusioned if they can’t. Sound familiar?

So why is is so important to celebrate difference? Because if we don’t, we can make a difficult situation even worse. By acknowledging differences individuals can enjoy what comes easily and naturally in a relationship whilst being conscious to accept the more challenging aspects of their partner. (I’m not talking about any form of abuse here. That is an entirley different kettle of fish. Whether, emotional, social, financial or physical, abuse is not acceptable. Instead can I urge you to seek professional advice from a centre such as Relate. It is vital informed and ethical advise is sought in order to minimise any further abuse)

So how might you learn to adapt to those annoying habits or unmet expectations in your relationship?

One way is to seperate the problem from the person. Sometimes we get muddled up with the person being the problem as opposed to the problem being the problem. I regularly encourage my clients to seperate and even name the difference in order to detatch it from their partner. This then frees them to love and accept their partner whilst working on the problem or difference together. A united front presents itself as the couple work together against a common enemy instead of each other. And with God working as part of the equation, anything is possible.

So why not become more like an alien, acknowledge and externalise your differences and then work on managing them together. I’d love to hear how you get on!

Ask Alison

Why is it that so many couples have problems with arguments? You simply wouldn’t believe how many couples I have counselled that don’t know how to have a good argument!

Based on my experiences, these are some of the reasons why arguing doesn’t work:

they insist on being right
they want to get their own way
they are oblivious to the meaning of what their partner is really saying
they bring up past grievances at every opportunity
they don’t say what they want, rather they beat about the bush
they play tit for tat
they certainly don’t listen
they refuse to forgive

Does any of the above sound familiar? Well if it does here are some good rules for rows which are used at many couples counselling centres:

1. Choose the best time and place
2. Stick to the real issues( Don’t argue about the cleaning if the real issue is sex)
3. No one runs away, leaves before it is finished
4. No one uses ‘tears’ or the silent treatment.
5. Physical violence is out
6. Avoid hitting below the belt: personal attacks, dragging up past offenses, name calling etc
7. No manipulation by emotional blackmail or withdrawing sex to punish
8. Aim to build bridges and find a way through together
9. Avoid looking for a winner and loser
10. Admit mistakes and start looking for a positive solution

No relationship is perfect and rows are inevitable. If you can use them as a means to grow together rather than apart then your relationship is much more likely to succeed and flourish. After all, no ne wants a bad relationship do they? Why not start to work on making your rows work for both of you instead of tearing you apart?

Hi

we are planning a chocolate evening in September and wondering if anyone else has held a similar evening and what went well?
Thanks

At Activate we encouraged you to pray and vote and on May 6th the country voted, leaving the result open and ‘hung’. The following two weeks were the most exciting political time that I can remember, with the media following the twists and turns in such detail that even my children became enthralled and were texting me from school to ask the latest!
Now we have something new- a Conservative Liberal Democrat Coalition and a fresh faced cabinet of largely untried politicians. Their task is enormous and, whoever you voted for, the need now is to pray for wisdom for all those in charge.
I was intrigued to read in the Times (Saturday 22nd May, Weekend, Page 2, by Mimmi Spencer) that We’ve all gone a bit Lib-Con!

It is not that we necessarily voted for them, just that the new leaders seem to reflect ‘us’ in a new way.
‘You may not even like them very much but it’s possible that, like me, you’ll recognise an unanticipated personal affinity with David Cameron and Nick Clegg and their way of going about things. It’s remarkable to me that here are two men grappling with the nation’s monumental issues, and they’re using my cultural and social signposts, my context, with which to do it…I bet they watched Champion the Wonder Horse and Roobarb and Custard in the holidays and remember the long hot summer of ’76 when the tarmac melted’.
Perhaps it is because Cameron and Clegg don’t come across as political zealots. Their ‘pick’n’mix belief system seems to suit the purpose and be easier for us to identify with.
I discovered that, according to the Times, I am a Cleggeron too.
Lib-Cons crave the good life: champion sustainability, more time with their family, bracing walks in the countryside and talk about giving things up (air travel, carbs) not possessing them. They don’t want to appear as materialistic but want somewhere to grow their own veg. There are trampolines in the garden, ecover washing up-liquid by the sink and aspirations to holiday in a yurt.
Things Cleggerons love –
Organic fairtrade food
Porridge
Bottlegreen elderflower cordial
Eating in
VW Camper vans
Amazon (not ebay)
Ikea(but not actually going there)
Farrow and Ball Paint
Summer Festivals
Cycling
Wii Resort
Charity Fun Runs
‘One Day’ by David Nicholls
Ashes to Ashes
Gap black jeans


As I read this I squirmed, am I really so predictably a Cleggeron? Or is this just a clever description of being British and middle-class and a 30/40 something?
Perhaps we identify with them because it is the first time leading politicians have been in our age range. I know there is the old joke about policemen and doctors looking young but it is a shock to wake up and find that you are older than the chancellor of the exchequer!
One last defining characteristic of a Cleggeron is that they ‘don’t do God- or only for weddings and to shoehorn their kids into the best local state schools’. So, ultimately I am not a Cleggeranything. I do do God, but if reading about modern ideology and lifestyle helps me to understand those around me so that I can reach out whilst speaking their language then I will keep reading.

Picture a world where men could understand what women want. (As I write I’m conjuring up hilarious images of Mel Gibson shaving his legs in the film of the same name!)

Imagine how different life would be- no arguments, flowers every week, sharing of household chores, bathing the kids and more importantly some genuine respect and appreciation for who we are and the important roles we play.

Now, just for a minute put yourself in the blokes shoes. How about if we women could understand what men want! Imagine how different life would be- an evening meal on the table after work, a tidy home, an attractive wife, the kids put to bed and all in time for an early night with enough energy left for some action under the covers. And of course some genuine respect and appreciation for who they are and the important roles they play.

I know these examples are pretty stereotypical but I think you can see where I’m coming from. I guess what I’m trying to say is that what men and women both want isn’t that different.

Both want

• To have some understanding of their needs and desires
• Thoughtfulness with the routines of daily living
• Kindness and support
• Genuine respect
• Appreciation

So how do you ensure both men and women do get what they want within a relationship?

1. Communication-say what you mean, mean what you say and don’t be mean when you say it (Meryl Runion)
2. Neither men nor women are psychic! Ask for what you want
3. Swap shoes for a day- see how it feels from the others perspective
4. Who else can help? Can friends or family assist with any of the needs/wants you have from your partner?
5. You can have your cake and eat it! Decide what you both want, sharpen your negotiations skills and give and take a little. You’re bound to get some of what you want some of the time!