Friendship and step-parenting

Step-parenting and matters of friendship. Well, they both involve the heart and relationship. Both must surely place “the other” first and be costly as we carry each other’s burdens. Notionally, this is so straightforward: in practice, it becomes much more complicated. Why don’t I give you a practical example that might serve as a useful illustration?

Being a woman of a certain age, I don’t always sleep well, and my hormones can be up and down like a yo-yo. Yesterday evening I felt both emotionally and physically spent.  I had slept badly the previous night, and I had taught teenagers at school. I was feeling weary, my nerves were frayed, and my resilience was paper thin.

Wednesday is “transition day” for us, which might leave you nodding in full appreciation of such a day or leave you questioning what this is. It is the day that a child/children of shared residency leave their one home to arrive at the other. It can be an emotionally charged day depending on the level of parental toxicity. My youngest stepson-son, with whom I have a wonderful relationship, arrived in a rather negative mindset. Why had I left the key in the door so he couldn’t let himself in?

This truly vexed him, and I overreacted in lieu of calming the situation. I met fire with fire, which I try so hard not to do! Everything my husband and I said elicited a negative response. After an hour or so, I was truly on the edge! The irony was I was trying throughout this time to do my Bible Study, which was not actually having any effect on my heart. I should have stopped reading about the written word and come directly to the living word in prayer! The final straw hilariously came in the form of an apple! The garden of Eden springs to mind!  As I write this now, I am laughing! For years I have tried to encourage the boys to take an apple to school in their lunchbox, but they wouldn’t: it might bruise, we only eat them cut up…….

It had been a battle I had woefully accepted as having lost! Last evening, I had asked my husband to make the lunches as I was so exhausted. He kindly obliged and all was going well up until the point at which he asked his son if he would like an apple or a banana?

I internally smiled thinking “nice try!” However, this was not the case! The response of “an apple, please” tipped me over the edge! An apple had this impact on me! It’s unbelievable, isn’t it?! I got in the car and drove to a pub car park where I sat and cried. Hormones raging, exhaustion dizzying, feelings of hurt and incredulity washing over me in waves. I prayed and listened to a Bible reading and then I texted a friend, a lovely, godly friend who happens to be a social worker. I knew she would offer wise counsel, and she did.

 She texted the following sentences,”Mine has started giving me back talk in French and he’s only twelve” ……” Hormones are awful things… menopause no fun at all. I’ve a book I was reading you might find helpful (and probably be much better than me about using its advice)” …….. “Ah lovely that sounds so hard.” ……You might need a bit of a break from the teens? Between school and home, it’s very understandable that it can seem too much.

Im here if u need a chat”……..”Maybe  it’s feeling that you work so hard to do so much for the boys and the reaction to the fruit thing is part of feeling it isn’t appreciated at times?”……these kind of texts kept pinging through, each one a form of balm!

I wanted to acknowledge some of her texts to honour her. Your friend who is a step-mum might be feeling stressed at times because she has all the added challenges of being a step-mum but maybe she also just has days of feeling weary because she has the role of being a mum too and it’s not even about the “step”. Are you there for her? Can you pray for her? Can you accept her role as a mum figure in a loving and non-judgmental way? Be that friend to her that mine was to me and it might just encourage you too!